Tuesday, November 4, 2008

Reactions to tonight's election from all the candidates

BARACK OBAMA: Boy, it's been an amazing journey. This has been an election of firsts, most notably the first black president. But this will be a presidency of firsts for me. First time I've supported tax cuts (if by tax cuts, you mean that poor people will pay negative taxes). First time I've taken foreign policy seriously (I'm not sure who that creepy guy on the cover of the Person of the Year issue of Time was, but I hope I don't have to meet him). First time I've had to make any executive decision whatsoever (aside from picking Joe Biden to the #2 job in the nation, but everybody shatters a couple of kneecaps the first time they try to ride a bike). And of course, first time the American people have elected a sociali... er, whoops, I didn't mean to say that. Hope! Change! Rebuilding!

JOHN McCAIN: Oh, I’m not worried. Al Gore has assured me that I get at least three or four recounts before things start getting serious. Granted, all the trial lawyers are on the other side, but we’ll figure something out. I’m sure the LA Times will release the Rashid Khalidi video any day now. Hey, they’re just waiting for it to get developed at Wal-Drug. Modern technology sure is something, isn’t it?

SARAH PALIN: Oh, you betcha we’re disappointed! So very disappointed! Golly, but this is just the start for John McCain! I hope to run with him again in 2012, and it’ll only cost your university or non-profit organization $50,000 per hour (initial bid) to hear me talk about it for 40 minutes (overtime pay on speeches over 40 minutes; no refunds for time spent on babbling yokel incoherence or prolonged deer-in-the-headlights looks). And if John McCain decides that in 2012, at age dirt + 4, he’s a little too old to run, I’ll have to run absentee for him. And I’m sure I’ll have a swell old time joking around with Tina Fey in four years if that slut’s miserable career isn’t in the crapper by then! See ya in four!

JOE BIDEN: Let me tell you something: Barack Obama will fight this decision. I’ve known him for 55 years, and if there’s one thing I can say about Barack America, it’s that he has good posture. Now maybe it’s the hair plugs talking, but I never understood Star Trek. I know John McCain is old and confused, but does he really expect the American people to believe that Joe the Plumber runs around collecting magic mushrooms, rescuing princesses from evil turtle kings, and stomping Klingons? Maybe one or two of those, but not all three. And as soon as I find out which two are true, I will let you know, as will Barnish Origami. But what about my agenda as president now that Queen Palin has selected me? First of all, I will declare the city of Scranwick-Wilmingtowns Barre the capitol of our great nation, because I’m tired of paying $700 a day to ride the Amtrak. Ninth of all, I’ll open trade relations with Simon, Joe the Plumber’s invisible unicorn friend. We can’t afford to continue this cowboy diplomacy that has gotten us into this war against the unicorns, leprechauns, Armenians, and harpies. Every day, one of them steals another of my socks, and I’m tired of amputating my own feet to compensate. Second of all, why are all the colors named the way they are? And finally, a massive, horrifying war will start if we elect Burt Oregon president, one in which those Americans who survive nuclear incineration will wander the streets, eating the flesh of newborn babies to stifle the pain and satiate the unearthly hunger for innocent blood. That’s why you need to get to your polling place and poll for him as president on November 12th. Because if he’s president, the whole balance of power will shift: George W. Bush will have only ½ presidential power, and John McCain will have 4/9 presidential power (down from the 15/17 he would have if elected president), and Bill Richardson would have 3/8. Now, once he’s elected, Balderdash Agamemnon will still have to prove himself by passing the Three Great Tests. The first is the New York City cab driver’s licensing exam, which will be easy given that he is a Muslim. The second is the Trial of Eternal Champions in which he will need to bench press the ghost of William F. Buckley while James Baldwin dangles loogies in his face. The third is that my teeth are making this humming sound, almost like they’re trying to warn me of traitors within my midst who need to have their hypothalamuses cut out so that the Thetans can escape. And that’s why we need Barama Obacka’s health care plan. Because it’s a constitutional right for each American to have two hypothalamuses. And when I was in line trying to return my defective VCR to the Dairy Queen, I realized something. John McCain refuses to discuss the single most important issue that is on the minds of middle-class voters: reincarnation. Now, if we can convince the members of our armed services to cut off their own heads and be reincarnated as silverback gorillas, we can finally beat the Germans once and for all, because they’d never suspect that the silverbacks are actually US commandos on a mission. In fact, I keep my own bomb shelter stocked with foodstuffs, water, and samurai swords (because guns are wrong and should be banned) in case the Belgians think of the same idea first. For all of George W. Bush’s talk about the so-called “Axes of Evil,“ he’s ignored the threat that comes from reincarnated animal armies throughout the world: Syrian foxes, Chinese koala bears, South African hummingbirds, French redwoods. Now, I understand that John McCain took a lot of heat for picking a woman, Rudy Giuliani, as his running mate. But the truth is that Barbara Audubon also picked a woman: he picked Knut the Polar Bear as his running mate, and I picked Denmark as mine. Splunge! Now, tell me honestly, America: did you see The Dark Knight? I thought that the scariest character was Gwyneth Paltrow. Coincidentally, Gwyneth Paltrow was my favorite movie until David Duchovny came out and won Best Picture. Now, Bareass Octagon’s favorite movie is Shakespeare in Love, which makes sense because he’s a gay Muslim baby-eater, which is part of his appeal, more so than his cleanness. But let me get something straight: I did not have sex with William Ayers. A little making out and a little dirty talk, but it wasn’t sex, and the baby looks nothing like me anyway. And everybody knows that babies don’t come from sex, but from something far more shocking: George Bush. We can’t afford four more years of babies, and that’s all he’s brought this country. We’ve seen four years of Stephen Harper bringing about kittens, four years of Nicholas Sarkozy bringing about napkins, four years of Barbie Oshgoshbghosh bringing about run-on sentences, and four years of Angela Merkel bringing about Powers Boothe. And I tried the Powers Boothe, but it didn’t work anything like it looked on TV, and it left my abs and pelvis hurting like you-know-what. So tell me, Chuck Norris and Christine Brinkley: when will this war stop? I’m not talking about the War on Terror or the War on Unicorns or the War on Chuck Schumer’s Ferret. I’m talking about why you should elect Baskin Orobbins to be my lawfully wedded husband and wife. Remember to vote this Thursday! Get out or vote! One or the other!

BARACK OBAMA: Don’t worry, everybody. This election was close (-ish), but I have four years to correct my one mistake. Hey Joe! How about some unwrapped Halloween candy?

JOE BIDEN: Good golly, does that mean Santa’s here?

No comments: