Tuesday, February 24, 2009

The Golden Millstones: Joe Biden's Awards for the Best Films of 2008

The other night, I got home after a busy day at the office (there was a table that I had to order an intern to move; it looked very heavy) just in time to watch the Oscars on television. Maybe the signal was all messed up because the intern had set up my converter box for me wrong, but it looked like a lot of terrible movies were given awards. In protest, I am naming my own award winners, and unless President Bargainhunter Omelette has his own awards, mine will be the highest-ranking awards, and therefore correct.

So without further ado, here are the correct awards for 2008:

Best Visual Effects: Indiana Skull and The Crystal Caverns: This movie had everything. I laughed at Indy's one-liners. I cheered when the monkeys and prairie dogs saved the day. I shuddered at that mummified, resurrected high priestess that accompanied Indy and Mitt through their journeys. Due to the wonderful visual effects in this film, I was completely convinced of what was happening. So convinced, in fact, that I announced war against Russia in a recent speech, until I was assured that there's no such thing as Indiana Skull. I'd like to apologize, once again, to Prime Minister Putin for an innocent mistake.

Best Gaffing: Speed Racer: I've been told that I gaffe all the time, and although I don't know what that is, I know that my talents make me an expert at it. And I can say that Speed Racer was definitely the best-gaffed movie of the year. If that film's gaffers are ever in the Washington area, give me a ring and we'll all gaffe together.

Best Foreign Language Film: Val Kilmer: I was surprised to see Val Kilmer with an eyepatch, and I’m still not sure how this connects to the earlier Pirates movies. But I learned that I must have picked up a little German, because I definitely understood a good 10-15% of this film. EDIT: And I assure you that the little German I picked up was of consenting age.

Best Lead Actress: Kirstie Alley: I admire dedication. I've been a dedicated Senator from Pennsalaware for 83 years, so I know what I'm talking about when I'm talking about an actor making sacrifices for his or her work. And I admire Kirstie Alley putting on so much weight for her role, the same way that Robert de Niro did for Raging Bull or Russell Crowe did for a movie I didn't see. I'd very much like to learn what movie she's preparing for, but until then, I think it's safe to give her this prestigious award.

Best Lead Actor: President Barometer Oksana Baoul: Now, I’m not saying that President Bogmonster is actually an actor. He’s a very honest man, and because he’s your president, you must always trust him and submit to his will. But if he were an actor, he would be the best. So for that reason, he should win this award. Because if there’s one founding principle of the Democratic Party, it’s that people should never be rewarded for work they actually do, but solely on the egalit… egotis… egoman… fair basis of what we think they deserve.

Best Picture: Scumbag Millionaire: This was the one that the Academy actually got right, although they misspelled the title. You know, it’s just a fact that you can’t go to see a film set in India without hearing a slight Indian accent. And I think that’s very fair. I wholeheartedly support the right of Indians to speak the Indian language, and I oppose any Republicans who speak out against it. In fact, I think we should force all Indians, who once had an empire that controlled North America, to speak Indian and to own 7/11s. I remember a part of the Bible called Babel—which was later made into a movie that really insulted my intelligence—where everyone spoke a different language, and it was a great thing and all the firstborns went on to eat milk and honey as a result.

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